When the healing didn’t come.

This will probably be one of the painful posts for me to write because my wife and I both lost our mother’s last year. The feelings that I experienced were sadness, fear, anger, self-doubt, challenged faith, disappointment, and the list goes on

I remember pouring my heart out to God to heal my mother – joined in hand by my wife, my father, and my aunt and uncle. As we prayed, I felt the closeness of the Lord and put my faith in Him. Mom did have a couple good days after that and I was hopeful and standing in faith that she would be healed, but it soon became apparent that her health was failing. We continued to pray and visited almost everyday.

My wife and I played music for my mother, singing praise songs and proclaiming the Word over her. I know it comforted it her, and again I felt the presence of Him in the room.

One of the hardest things I experienced was when we took her to see the oncologist from the nursing home. Although she was in pain, she wanted to hear from him what was going on, which was just like her. As our family gathered in the room, the oncologist said what we thought he might say, but then my mother, even though it was hard to speak, said “Am I going to die”, and his response was that he did not see her recovering from this episode.

I still prayed for a miracle, but started to ask God that if it was not His will to heal her, that he would usher her home so she would not have to suffer. We met with the palliative care team (may God bless all of these folks!) and we came up with a plan for pain management. They talked to her and wanted to meet her needs.

It really was not long after that mom really went downhill. I remember my wife reading “Fathers Love Letter” with tears streaming down her eyes, comforting her – she was an angel in the flesh – confirming Mom’s salvation, letting her know that Jesus would guide her home, letting her know she was loved.

As the time approached, all I could ask God to do was to let her go home, in my heart and mind, I screamed Please Father, please just take her home, no more pain, more fear, no more tears.

Not long after that, as a tear rolled from her eye, God answered our prayers and took her home. I knew she was not here anymore, but there, in the place that had been prepared for her by Jesus.

No man likes to admit that he cries, but I cried from the very depth of my soul as the feeling of loss was so profound, so painful.

I have to admit that many times during this my faith was not perfect, my fear was high, and I was angry at God. I knew who He was and what He can do – I know that His ways are above all, the Beginning and End, but I was still angry and hurt.

I asked Him was it my faith, was it Mom’s faith? I knew that the cancer was not from Him but I also knew that He could have made her whole for me….and that is what has hit me since, why didn’t he do it for me – what a selfish and somewhat childish thing to say.

As I prayed for His guidance in the days that followed, He reminded me of a few things:

He has prepared a place where the healing of all His children is complete.

Revelation 21:4

Amplified Bible (AMP)

⁴ God will wipe away every tear from their eyes; and death shall be no more, neither shall there be anguish (sorrow and mourning) nor grief nor pain any more, for the old conditions and the former order of things have passed away.

He reminded of past healing

Mom had survived cancer twice before, and I remember the 2nd bout and her saying she did not know if she could do it, that she was tired and did not want to fight – but Father gave her the strength to do so and she was healed!

For better or for worse

In other words, we need to remember that the God of all the great things in our life is also the God with us in the valley. The apostle Paul requested three times to be healed of his “thorn in the flesh.” The response from the Lord? “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness”.

God told me I know how you feel

As Jesus was nearing the end of His sacrifice: